yes please

oh, to sit in such contentment this morning as I feed Ruby bits of squished avocado, able to go at exactly the right, slow, spit-out, retry pace, because there is nothing I have to do today. I could go weed the rows in the hoophouse, I could watercolor, I could make a new dye bath out of some of the plants I collected. I could just sit and stare at Ruby as her precious barnacle-ness suctions onto me during her long naps, feeling the sun licking me through the huge windows, glancing out at the pond to see if the water is calmly reflecting the trees or being tossed up into waves by the wind.

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DSC_0029Wow. How do I get to be so lucky in life? I feel like such a baby, so young and fresh, a little sprout, and I get to live in such a glamorous home with such talented people, all living in harmony,
where we spout inspiration and encouragement around and around. And I also get to feel like I designed this for myself. Because I did. As I felt the move to this farm in Maine approaching and I got a little bit like “what’s it gonna be like?” I remembered I could create it. I took a huge roll of paper and spread it across a desk, and painted in ink all the best feeling things I wanted this place to be like. I painted “new soul family discoveries” and “my art soars to new heights” and “inspiration” and “kids” and tons of other stuff. I luxuriated in the painting, I went over each of the words in the color that felt right, and I hung it up right next to my bed.

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Relaxed exhale–big stretch–happy sigh. Oh this heaven! Dan is cooking eggrolls, and we had such a beautiful conversation about synchronicities and rainbows and feelings earlier.  Mackerel actually has clothes on for once as he sits at the kitchen counter watching and questioning what’s around him. Emily is out milking the goat. I hear kid-speed footsteps running down the stairs. The sun is turning orange as she descends behind my head, glowing up this golden kitchen-living room. Jess is washing dishes, and Greg walks in with a watermelon. They’re all agreeing that “Nice At You”, something Mackerel just said, would be a great name for a band.

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DSC_0241I’m so grateful to be living in this gorgeous space, on this powerfully beautiful land, where the only thing for me to do is follow my inspiration. I love that my inspiration is hugely about making dyes from the plants I find here. Being super present with Ruby. Tending to the lovely plants that are growing that we will eat and share with others. Noticing the bright green leaves dancing across the trees, a sudden shift after the rainstorm from the lavender-brown bare branches. I am those leaves.

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There’s a feeling I get here, like it’s a big blank canvas, where everything is working, healthy and shining…the threads are rich with history and strong with experience. And now I’m here, to have my way with it. To be as gentle and wild and playful as I please. Oh what delight! I’m so grateful for this happy place to be my home, for the easy wild pleasures I find here, for my pace to be so genuine and exactly however it pleases me. I wish this feeling for everyone who wants it. Yes please.

just gotta celebrate

good morning. oh the way the brightness clings to the mountain’s snow,  clinging while leaping, an ever-dance zinging between my eyes and the countless crystals.

I love my self. I love that I have a self-love book. I hope that everyone has a self-love book, and that they can read it when they are not feeling so good, and remember how perfect and amazing and unique and powerful they are.

I love my heart. I love that the book I read this morning gave me an image of the body as a prism for the light of love to pass through, diffracted into rainbows. I loved re-tuning in to the rainbow when presented with moments that felt kind of difficult. I am so much love. It’s all I am, this rainbow fractal.

I love the clouds here. Wisps and waves, fractals that look like neurons, angels diving…clouds like I’ve never seen before. What a treat! To continually be re-delighted by the beauty around me. I love how nature has endless tricks up her sleeve to leave me in awe and wonder and delight.

I love the willing players around me. Mmmm. I love that Leaf is such a willing player, and he grows my heart daily. Wow. I love how stunningly perfect Ruby is. The simple perfection of her calls out the very best of me. It’s like….it’s like nothing else. It’s like…mmmmm. She inspires me.

I love that I asked for the perfect work to be right and ready for me during this internet session, and there’s nothing up from the Play Nexus that I can easily find, so the perfect work is here, is me, is this writing, this celebration. This joy.

I love letting myself talk about something, even if it doesn’t feel totally good, because I don’t want to keep pretending to suppress the thought and getting more and more tangled up about it. I love letting it be easy. I love that I know I could also try to clear it energetically, and to keep practicing, and doing some energy work  helped me set the tone for the conversation a bit more nicely than how I was originally feeling. It’s all a learning experience!

I love my big wild heart. Wow. Yes. Mmmhm.

I love how clear my love is for Natalie. It’s such a zing. Such a yes. I’m so grateful that my teacher also feels like my bestie and her eyes twinkle and she’s an amazing dancer and poet and so clear and yummy and fun and zingy.

I love Becca. I love how excited I am to cuddlesnuggle her and hear her steady honest voice and feel her hands find the perfect spots to rub and watch her dance her wild, whole-body dance. I am so excited to fall into pits of laughter with Natalie and Becca, and have the steam of our happiness shoot us up out of the pits like geysers.

I love how steady Leaf is. I love that I deeply trust him. I love that he shows up again and again as an amazingly present, loving papa for Ruby. I love that he tells me he loves me a bajillion times a day. I love that he loves making up songs. I love that he loves laying Ruby in the dirt. I love his mystical eyes and how committed he is to his own growth. I love seeing him lay back in a room full of friends, his eyes closed and his face smiling, seeing the air around him sparkle with his radiant love.

I love celebrating. I love my heart. I love how meaningful it is to celebrate. I love that my celebration can ripple outwards everly. Oh yes. I love that the internet can allow people to tap into it so easily and on a really intimate level. Mmm yes.

I love writing mmm yes. I love that that is what I say when people are speaking the truth to me, and I radiate smiles and mmmm and yes at them.

I love that the book I was reading talked about being in such a steady place, not letting people throw you out, even if they insult you or anything. I would love to feel that way and radiate smiles and mmmmm and yes, finding my willingness in whatever anyone is saying. I love that my wings are growing and flapping and it’s like I’m shaking off the sticky wet stuff that is still on me after coming out of the cocoon. Unfurrrrl.

I love that this writing is legitimate…and listening to my spirit guide of a unicorn really helped me accept that and to bask in it: my happiness is something I should share as widely as I can. I love that my spirit guides love me so much, because they are also me, and I love me so much, and I love you so much!

I really do love you so much.

An awesome man just approached me in the library where I’m writing this, and on his hat is a pin, amidst other pins and patches and flags, that says “The light in me recognizes the light in you”. I love that I shared a farm resource, and he shared an island resource, and we parted with such love.

Hallelujah!

What am I driving towards?

I am driving towards next-level Hannah. Ninja-focus love-beacon Hannah. Hannah who has laser eyes that pierce into the heart of things and sees their bestest, juiciest selves and revels in laughter on the floor with them.

I am driving towards all-powerful Hannah. Hannah who easily orchestrates time chunks for deep flow and life-giving projects. And then doesn’t even have to orchestrate them because it’s so in-flow for them to simply be and keep coming, the momentum is there. Hannah who has thriving, luscious writing, sewing, painting, gorgeous focus playgrounds bursting with the juiciest fruits and dreams sprouting. It is spring and summer in all my playgrounds.

I am driving towards knowing-right-where-my-willingness-is Hannah. I give full presence to Ruby when that is my yes, which it perfectly-often is, and I give full presence to my body and whatever is around me that is ready to thrill and delight me. I am constantly feeling intimate with and making love with my environment. Soul gushing.

I am driving towards a Hannah-tat. A perfect private Hannah nook space where my beautiful dreams can flourish. I see ivy-flower trellises and sunlight and nakedness and sex on a carpet on a wooden floor with berry juice dripping from laughter-ecstasy curved faces. I see my teapot and my dresses and my gorgeous huge full-wall art project. I feel like it’s a dream board, dreaming into the heart of my desires, always expanding and ripening.

I am driving towards refreshment. Rejuvenation. Huge strength and expansive joy. I am driving towards clarity. Better-than-ever communication. My tongue is clean, dripping spring water, nourishing everyone lucky enough to hear my voice.

I am driving towards love. Deep, soul-partner, lifelong love. Feeling my highest vibration matched and activated and held and soaring together. Perfectly rounding out our familyness, everyone fitting together like puzzle pieces, making even more sense than before.

I am driving towards the Conscious Play Center. My heart wide and wild and a treehouse with a rope-bridge to Natalie’s Nat-a-tat. We are facilitators of play, dick-taters of play. hahaha. YES! We are inviting people deeper and bigger into joy and the whole universe is conspiring to be like Yes, YES, YES!!!! Coming together again and again and again.

I am driving towards my excitement. Exhilaration. Fun and miracles, surprises and truths. I am driving towards relaxation. Full, worthy inhales and effortless, cherished exhales. I am driving into rainbows, shooting stars, chamomile crowns, Ruby slippers. I am driving with all my spirit guides: the whale, the buffalo, the goose, the tiger, the crocodile, the bear, the cat, the hawk, the raven, the raccoon, the lizard, the elk, the elders, my grandmothers, my mother, Ruby’s infinite spirit, Leaf’s infinite spirit, Natalie’s clear eyes, Becca’s crystal wand waving me in. Mmmmm. Thank you for driving with me.

I am driving towards painting richer colors and combinations than ever before, ones that break people’s hearts open to make room for even-bigger hearts. I am driving towards surprise encounters, seeing my most-beautiful-self reflected in people I meet at gas stations, in canyons, along river beds. I am driving towards that space where the sun breaks through the clouds, this heaven-on-earth-ness. Yes yes yes.

spring gifts

the sun sings flow jamz back and forth in rays sweeping all around us. I’ve got a litany of jars and mugs offering every morsel I desire (smoothie, butter+coconut oil coffee, water, oats with hunny and hemp seeds), all standing in a line-up on my headboard as I relax into paisley pillows and sentimental quilts. Mmmm. Thank you for this perfect moment.seeds

I want to celebrate all the newness in this nowness. Jess has painted the kitchen with undulating pastel rainbows. We’ve seeded the hugels. Leaf and I have found our way into harmoniously sleeping separately, while easily sharing the night slumber with baby Ruby. Magick. I have also begun offering my services as a Love Tender to the world, where I have regular phone sessions with people helping them to focus in on the love and happiness already in their life.

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I am so frickin proud of myself for offering this service. It truly is one of my superpowers to find my way into happiness, and I’m helped by all of these magickal tools I’ve learned from the Play Nexus: gridding, controlled splatting, focus wheels, ho’oponopono (I’m happy to describe any of these in more detail, just ask me if you’re curious). And moreso, I’ve learned more lifestyle philosophies. Like to only do what feels good. If it doesn’t feel good, to go general, get out of the details.

For example, I started out my idea of Love Tending thinking it would be a clearly paid-for service, where there’s an easy peezy agreed-upon money exchange going on. And as I gridded it, nothing more specific than “feeling valuable” felt good…it didn’t seem easy or inviting to pick a number for a price to ask for. So I stayed at that level: feeling valuable, helpful, abundant. Calling that in. Noticing how that is my truth already and my continuing reality.

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I did a focus wheel on it, wanting to go deeper into feeling valued, abundant, letting it be easy. And as I filled in the wheel, I realized that the first person I’m love tending for loves me already so much and will give me whatever she can. And that I fully trust that this will be helpful and valued, and I don’t even need to ask for anything. It feels so good and right for it to be a gift in and of itself.

During our first session, I learned that this person is feeling particularly sensitive about finances, and it all clicked on an even clearer level. Of Course it didn’t feel right to come up with some paid arrangement from this mindset. We get to play together towards expanding the feelings of and focus on abundance and easy flowing generosity. And as we played, my feelings of being taken care of and being so abundant and magick expanded, as well! So, by the end of the call, when she was saying how valuable this has been for her and asking can she give me anything, it felt so natural to say it’s simply a gift, I already feel valued. And as I trust in feeling valued more and more, I’m sure the specifics of how I want that value to be expressed will appear effortlessly. Surprisingly. Huge and delicious, like a surprise birthday party at the end of the bestest feeling day. Mmm, like when my troupe of a tribe appeared the evening of Ruby’s birthday in our bedroom/birth lounge with a marvelously-flower-decorated chocolate cake, all singing so beautiful to this beacon of joy.

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I know the universe is ever-showering me in gifts. I’m so grateful to be sharing what I have to offer as easily and well-nourished as the fruit trees.

Joy Threads

good morning sunshine. The rain slips in watery threads diagonally down. An early morning phone call with a golden queen adventurer helps me pull up my sails, and the gust of joy pushes me out the door and down to the river.DSC_0681

In every moment, the question is: where is the joy? How do I follow it?

My river quest led me into the heart and fuzzy, green belly of a glistening, glittering morning. It was heavenly: lichen-covered trees, moss-bed rocks. I met horses whose gazes felt like physical waves. I licked the collected drizzle off a magenta tree branch that quite resembled a penis. As I danced home, I was simply a sunbursting grin.

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Now, after a nap and another walk and some inspired organizing, Ruby lays sprawled across my belly, like a mermaid lounging on a rock. She stares transfixed at the paisley designs on the pillow supporting my arm, which is supporting her head.

She knows where her joy is. Those shapes and sucking on her fingers–her dimples assure me it’s all good. I’m so grateful I can type without looking at the keyboard or the screen…I can stare at her and be recording my joy at the same time…double joy. Exponential, even.

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I’ve been doing a nightly practice that has got me tending my joy as if it’s a soup. I’m stirring, adding spices, sautéing, being delighted by the bubbles and surprising alchemies. I learned this practice from the golden queen adventurer. It’s called a Joy Calendar.

I write down, in list form, everything I’ve done that day. And then I rank it on a scale of 1-10 of how much joy I felt doing that particular thing. And I’m really honest.

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 This gets me thinking during my days, how can I have more fun doing this? It’s so, so satisfying to not only get to write 10 at the end of the day, but to experience a 10. To experience many 10s. So I bump up the music when I’m doing dishes or mopping. I say no to something that doesn’t really feel that joyful. I invite the toddlers to a dance party in my bedroom. If I’m feeling stalled out (I’ve found that is when I feel my lowest), I know that is not a time to try and be productive. That’s a time to go for a walk, speak my gratitude to the mountains or the rain or the stars, and let the inspiration come and grab me.

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Another part of my nightly journaling is writing down momentums that I enjoyed feeling activated that day, and I want them to continue growing. Momentums like household chore harmony, watercoloring, easy flow between me and Leaf, getting checks in the mail, making friends with community members, making collaborative art, making music. I love thinking of these as momentums, and that by simply acknowledging them, choosing them, they get bigger and stronger and sweeter.

I also make a list inspired by a dream I had somewhat recently. In the dream, I was aware that I was searching around me for love. The singular, focused love that I feel like I want embodied in an intimate relationship. And then a spirit told me to look up. I saw above me branches of a tree filled with lanterns that looked like bowling pins, all lit up and glowing warmly. I knew that each of the lanterns was an instance of love that I’ve experienced. So now, each day, I make a list of my love lanterns of the day. Getting a massage. The power of seeing the snow-covered mountains in the distance. Ruby’s smile. Remembering to stretch. If I have trouble thinking of love instances, I close my eyes, and feel myself looking up and seeing all the glowing lanterns in the branches of my dream tree, and some moment of love comes to mind that matches that tone.

Then, I gladheartedly make a list of the ways I feel abundant. Abundant in the sense that I have everything I need to do everything I want to do. Every day I acknowledge my abundance of food, of friends, of dreams and opportunities and projects and inspirations. Blankets and pillows, hot water, tea. Gorgeous nature, trees, moss, lichen. Mmmmm.

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Sometimes, I’ll also write down if something is bothering me, something I’m kind of hung up on. I’ll frame it like a wish. It’s wonderful to do this after all the happy juju is stirred up. Recently, I wished that I could find a way to ride transitions between doings with more joy and willingness, after seeing in my joy calendar that had been a continual lowness. I sometimes also do a focus wheel if I feel like something would benefit from a big on-purpose shift.

My joy is ripe and plentiful. I am a grape vine, a cherry tree, a nectarine oozing. I love choosing fun and bliss on purpose, and then seeing what shows up.

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birdsongs n billz

 good morning birdsong wanderer. ecstatic chicken dance. cheese puff buff. amen.

I feel so taken care of by the universe. Like, I’ve always been and always will be in this perfect cradle cushion land. Even when I’m feeling wild and adventurous…it’s always so sweet, and the faerie godmothers show up, and there’s majestic scenery and it’s just like, hot damn! Again? I’m just so lucky! (and lucky on purpose, because I keep wishing for all these things that keep showing up)

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It seems that the path is illuminating towards Maine this summer. Towards Featherfoot Farm where Leaf is already so loved, and welcome, and so we all are so loved, and welcome. We can host kids’ art summer camps and get paid handsomely and play in huge fields and swimming ponds and have a cabin unto ourselves and have tons of lovely visitors.

And there’s so much sweetness to the being paid. I’m boldly declaring that I want to be in my integrity with my student loans, paying them all back, triumphantly ha-ha-ing to the world! Ha-ha! And hand-shaking with the world, making good on an old deal, rubbing smooth the rough edges, realizing it’s candy-covered and gives me super powers!

I remember, last April I was energetically lining up with buying a car. I was doing a fundraiser for the car and my journey in it across the country, and the funds seemed to stall for a bit just under the amount to buy a car. I realized I had some fears around what the car would require…it would mean signing up for my first ever paying-it-myself bill. And I found my willingness in it by saying that I wanted to be capable of paying bills as a mom. I want to be easy and flowful and have financial fluency. I can speak any language: bills, checks, credit, gifts, online, drive-thru, hoobastank, etc. This opened me up to feeling grateful for the opportunity to pay bills, to help me start to be the mama I want to be. Once I let go of fear and held on to gratitude, the money again started flowing in to the fundraiser, and I’ve been having a grand ol’ time paying car insurance, and a phone bill as well.

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And here I am now, next-leveling. Ready to dive in to being debt-free, chug away the student loan train. Cutting loose the sandbags on my hot air balloon. Whee! I’m so very proud of myself for feeling ready for this. I’m so excited. I want to send in checks with little heart stickers and butterfly temporary tattoos. I want to be as silly and playful as I am with the bestest of things. I want to feel as cute and snuggly as Santa Clawdette, the kitten, sleeping on baby Ruby’s face. Holy fuck. I want everything to feel that cute.

I see a gorgeous parallel between Ruby and myself going on. Ruby is actually and totally able to stand up now! She has the strength in her legs to fully support her weight…she just needs someone’s hands on either side of her because the whole balance thing is still forming.

I’m ready to support my weight. And my gorgeous community of friends and loves and kittens and the sky and the mountainscapes and the stars and the bright, bright moon and my writing and my happiness books are the hands on either side of me, keeping me up. I’m quite excited to be learning to balance on my own…balancing that check book right up and good. Glistening, gleaming with pride and abundance.

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There’s also tons of wintertime opportunities bubbling up in this Big Bendy area around my passions of art and community and youth. The dreams are condensing into actual experiences. I’ll tell you more once there’s a bit more cream in the soup ; )

bedtime bliss

good morning. the world is yawning, opening up wide and luxurious, with a pink salt bath tongue and a creek of happy tears from laughing so fully, carving a glistening path along her green ferny cheek.

here we are, napping together. me and my baby daughter, her papa (who has gloriously become one of my bestest friends), our soul family of jess and greg and mackerel and the glorious travelers who come to stay the night, and then stay many nights, because we feel so good to be around.

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the fireplace stretches smoke into the sky. the moon is half-way full…ruby is almost two moons old. a friend is visiting with a baby girl named gaia. She is 10 moons old. gaia and ruby soul-gazed in the living room this afternoon, as I sat with oatmeal and sweet milky black tea smiling and sharing stories with another mama.

right now, mackerel’s precious gibberish floats through the door separating my room from the bathroom. i hear an echoey splash and drip every so often, the melody atop the rhythm of leaf and ruby’s woven breaths on the bedside beside me. we’re in a bath, too, of warm yellowy light, tinged with the warm pink of the walls.

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i’ve ridden a wave of momentum to this peak…i generated a desire while living in san francisco two years ago to be in a place growing food for the people nearby. my desire clarified and distilled as i encountered it in different settings. I started to desire lots of space for the food growing. A legal space. A long-lasting space. using permaculture methods. hugelkultures. diverse plants growing together. A communally-owned space. in the mountains. surrounded by green. in California.

and then, during my pregnancy, I generated all these desires for where I would live with baby ruby. I wanted my own room. a live-work situation, with meaningful work utilizing my talents. and to feel free to just be. to live in a community hub. a lighthouse. a farm. a barn. music making. a fluid schedule. all my friends able to come and visit, and live with us, if they want. for free. delight. inspiration. a creek. a waterfall. a river. wild horses. bathtubs. near enough to my family and my love in the bay area so they can visit whenever we want.

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oh, perfection, I have found you, I am living you. Thank you universe, for always allowing my desires to be met and matched and expanding. Here I am in a dream world that I designed through years and months of knowing I can have what I want if I just hold that vision steady and loose, following the fun and easy, inviting path to get there. Here I am.

and now, new desires are forming. for an intimate lover. holy moly, I’m excited for this life. and I know I will find these things by finding the tone of how they already exist in my life. I already do have intimate love in many ways. Ruby receiving her nourishment from my breasts, her grabbing for me, gently stroking me. Leaf sharing my bed like a best friend sleepover, so often telling me how much he loves me, how precious and beautiful and glorious I am. I have intimate love with myself as I lounge in the bathtub with my self-love notebook, reading and adding to all the ways I love myself.

I’m also desiring facilitating art making with groups of people where we’re able to all enter flow state together. And this always exists around me. The visiting kids painting on the board in the living room. Leaf mouthing words that Ruby is starting to mimic. Picking kale from the hugels. Helping with the school Christmas play. Writing grants for continued expansion of the wilderness garden maze at this land trust. Creating a calendar of events we’d like to host.

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Oh, it’s so sweet to have so much, and to still be yearning, and delighting in each desire, and every now.