bedtime bliss

good morning. the world is yawning, opening up wide and luxurious, with a pink salt bath tongue and a creek of happy tears from laughing so fully, carving a glistening path along her green ferny cheek.

here we are, napping together. me and my baby daughter, her papa (who has gloriously become one of my bestest friends), our soul family of jess and greg and mackerel and the glorious travelers who come to stay the night, and then stay many nights, because we feel so good to be around.

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the fireplace stretches smoke into the sky. the moon is half-way full…ruby is almost two moons old. a friend is visiting with a baby girl named gaia. She is 10 moons old. gaia and ruby soul-gazed in the living room this afternoon, as I sat with oatmeal and sweet milky black tea smiling and sharing stories with another mama.

right now, mackerel’s precious gibberish floats through the door separating my room from the bathroom. i hear an echoey splash and drip every so often, the melody atop the rhythm of leaf and ruby’s woven breaths on the bedside beside me. we’re in a bath, too, of warm yellowy light, tinged with the warm pink of the walls.

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i’ve ridden a wave of momentum to this peak…i generated a desire while living in san francisco two years ago to be in a place growing food for the people nearby. my desire clarified and distilled as i encountered it in different settings. I started to desire lots of space for the food growing. A legal space. A long-lasting space. using permaculture methods. hugelkultures. diverse plants growing together. A communally-owned space. in the mountains. surrounded by green. in California.

and then, during my pregnancy, I generated all these desires for where I would live with baby ruby. I wanted my own room. a live-work situation, with meaningful work utilizing my talents. and to feel free to just be. to live in a community hub. a lighthouse. a farm. a barn. music making. a fluid schedule. all my friends able to come and visit, and live with us, if they want. for free. delight. inspiration. a creek. a waterfall. a river. wild horses. bathtubs. near enough to my family and my love in the bay area so they can visit whenever we want.

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oh, perfection, I have found you, I am living you. Thank you universe, for always allowing my desires to be met and matched and expanding. Here I am in a dream world that I designed through years and months of knowing I can have what I want if I just hold that vision steady and loose, following the fun and easy, inviting path to get there. Here I am.

and now, new desires are forming. for an intimate lover. holy moly, I’m excited for this life. and I know I will find these things by finding the tone of how they already exist in my life. I already do have intimate love in many ways. Ruby receiving her nourishment from my breasts, her grabbing for me, gently stroking me. Leaf sharing my bed like a best friend sleepover, so often telling me how much he loves me, how precious and beautiful and glorious I am. I have intimate love with myself as I lounge in the bathtub with my self-love notebook, reading and adding to all the ways I love myself.

I’m also desiring facilitating art making with groups of people where we’re able to all enter flow state together. And this always exists around me. The visiting kids painting on the board in the living room. Leaf mouthing words that Ruby is starting to mimic. Picking kale from the hugels. Helping with the school Christmas play. Writing grants for continued expansion of the wilderness garden maze at this land trust. Creating a calendar of events we’d like to host.

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Oh, it’s so sweet to have so much, and to still be yearning, and delighting in each desire, and every now.

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